Deflated

I try to go out of my normal work duties sometimes to try and expand my horizons, network, become more of a team player, etc. And the first year I did, it was AMAZING! Everyone did what they said they'd do. We all split the share of work evenly. It was a perfect alignment of a team.

Last year, wasn't so great. It seemed that the stars weren't as perfectly aligned as the year before. The meetings were more sporadic and no one wanted to do anything.

This year, I wasn't going to help. But someone different was running the show and I figured I'd do it to help her out since I knew her. But now............I feel so deflated.

She asks for help. Then we offer. And before we can do anything it's done already. WTF? Why ask us if you're just going to do it anyway?!?!? I guess I'll just stop offering. Maybe then I won't be so disappointed.

*Sigh*

This winter has been really hard on me. Well, to be fair, the last 6 months or so have all been building up to this. But, I have never felt this low.

I've always thought I had SAD, but I figured that I must've gotten over it the last few years, but to be fair, we had an extremely mild winter last year. So, that was obviously wishful thinking on my part.

Anyway, I've always hated February. There's a reason they make it so short. It sucks. There's too much snow, slush, gray, gloom and blah out there.Not to mention the fact that I end up feeling gloomy, gray and blah because of it.

I don't know about any one else, I hope I'm not the only one that has this. Well, we'll see if I'm the fucked up one here or it it's just commonplace.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep? And not because you're thinking of all the things you want / need to do the next day, year, week, whatever. No, you're wide awake because your mind is telling you that, you shouldn't have done this or said that. You should have done this, made this, said this. And this is why you don't have, X, Y, Z. Or why you aren't A, B, and C.

Ugh, I just want to get rid of that little voice. And maybe it's always been there. Maybe I'm just more suceptable to it because of all the shit going on.

But I get up, I work out, I go through the motions, hoping that one day soon. The sun will come out, the flowers will bloom and that I'm not really a failure. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to sleep through the night.

And then in the next instance, I just want to slap myself for even believing the negativity for even a second.

This has to end soon right?!?!?! Spring isn't that far away.....right?!?!?!

That little voice isn't right. Right?!?!?!

Updates, Gripes and Pleas

Okay, so I'm alive. Everything is going well with the bun in the oven. I'm now at 32 weeks and I'm ready to have this kid already. The Hubs, Wee One and I went and visited family on the other side of the country last month. It was fun, but exhausting. Though I have to say, my daughter is a great traveler. At 2 1/2 I figured there'd be some screaming, crying, carrying on. Something. Nope. She was an angel both going and coming back. In fact, she got a lot of compliments from our seat neighbors after each flight to tell her what an angel she is/was. Relief on my part. And let me tell you. Squeezing my 7 1/2 month pregnant self and a 2 1/2 year old into an airplane lavatory. Oh my goodness! Talk about tetris-ing yourself. Having to figure out where to put her, and shimmy my way around. Ugh. Thank goodness we only did it a few times. Pull-ups are a great relief!!!

Now on to the gripes.

For Goodness sake people....don't comment on any pregnant woman's belly in the following fashion.

"You look like you're going to explode."

"You look like you've eaten way to many ____."

"Are you going to deliver any day now?"
"No. At the end of September."
"Twins? Triplets?"
"No. Just one."

Or when I say the end of September. Then you tell me there's no way I'll ever make it. And look like I'm a crazy person for not going into labor right then and there.

My doctor and I aren't worried with my progress. I realize I tend to carry everything low and in the front. So I looked like I was full term (for most average women) at 5-6 months. Every pregnant woman is different. Back the fuck off!!!!

I swear, I've been blowing it off. No rude comments back. But the next time a person decides to comment on my size, or tell me how I'm just deluded and that I'm really 11 months pregnant and why haven't the Guinness people called me yet, I'm going to fucking lose it!

Really.

In fact, the only comments that I really enjoy.

"You look adorable."

"You are so cute."

Something along those lines. I don't usually like to be called adorable or cute. But when I feel so gigantic already, then have to deal with random rudeness from idiot fucktards, I will take it.

So, a plea to all of you out there that might think to comment on a pregnant woman's belly.

99.9% of the time, you shouldn't say a single word...unless you're hoping for suicide by proxy.

.1% of the time, you compliment the pregnant woman.

And that .1% of the time should only happen when there's a woman, like me, that is so obviously pregnant that there's no way she could just be gaining weight.

Are You Sure it's Not a Full Moon?

Oh. My. God.

It's been crazy the last few days. And I mean full-moon, insane asylum crazy.

There have been moron's at work.

Me: I'm sorry, if you wait until the last minute, I can't help you. No, asking me the same question fifteen different ways won't change my answer either. I'm sorry, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the universe doesn't revolve around you. Yes, I know your Mommy always said you were, but she lied.

Seriously, I've talked to my boss about performing a hex-break or cleansing here at work. I just have to do it when everyone's gone or I'll get some really strange looks. (Not that I don't already, lol.) Though I could just shout at them "The power of Christ compels you." And spray them with my Holy Water. LMAO.

Funny story, I went to buy supplies last weekend for the cleansing and I told the Hubs everything I bought, Camomille, Iron Filings, Nails, Floriday Water and Holy Water. He was quite surprised about the Holy Water. And syas to me, "You just slide right through the faiths don't you." I would've explained that Holy Water is just as potent in Spellwork as in the Christian faith. But I didn't feel like launching into the whole discussion.

I'm even making my own War Water, just in case the Holy Water isn't enough. Plus, it's good to have on hand anyway. I'm using Iron Nails, (additional Iron Filings to help kickstart it) and rain water. (Trying to get some from a thunderstorm. Should have some luck today and tomorrow.) Then you just let it sit and oxidize. When you need it you have it.

Back to the craziness.

This morning I asked for 2% milk (in a half pint) to mix in my coffee. I'm trying to cut calories, and if I can get rid of the cream that'd help right? Well sure, except the milk tasted like puke. No really, you know that horrible taste you get after you spew chunks. Yep, that's it. And when you add it to your coffee, your coffee then tastes like coffee flavored puke. Seriously, not a very nice way to start your day.

But thankfully, that's nothing a little bite of chocolate can't solve. Need it to cleanse the palette. I know, I'm full of excuses to eat chocolate. Just one piece, honest. And a big glass of water. Which is probably better than my 32oz coffee. I just hope I don't get another caffeine headache. Then again, enough chocolate will solve that too. ;)

Hope you're all doing well. I'll post a regular post tomorrow.